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My home is not large. I have a formal dining room, a parlor, and a small conservatory. I purchased an FR-1 from AeroGuard specifically for this occasion, but I am paralyzed with uncertainty. Is it acceptable to deploy a Fart Room at a seated dinner? If so, at which point in the evening? Before the first course? Between courses? Surely not during the fish. And where does one place it? Adjacent to the dining room feels pointed. In the conservatory feels like exile.
I have consulted your third volume, "Setting the Table for Every Contingency," but the chapter on atmospheric management only addresses outdoor luncheons and open-air receptions. I found nothing on enclosed formal dining.
One appreciates both the gravity of the situation and the restraint with which it has been presented. It is clear that the correspondent was raised with some awareness of propriety, even if the current predicament suggests that awareness has reached its limits.
Let us begin with the central question. Yes, a Fart Room may be deployed at a formal dinner. The FR-1 is a recognized fixture of polite entertaining, listed in the Bureau of Inflatable Consumer Structures registry under "Dining Ancillaries, Atmospheric." One does not apologize for owning silverware; one does not apologize for owning containment architecture. The shame lies not in the equipment but in the failure to deploy it correctly.
The FR-1 must be inflated and positioned before the first guest crosses the threshold. It should never, under any circumstances, be erected mid-evening. The sound of the inflation pump during a sorbet intermezzo is a violation of hospitality so severe that Volume Five, "Grace Under Pressure (Atmospheric and Otherwise)," devotes an entire appendix to its prevention. The device should be fully pressurized, discreetly lit, and furnished with a small chair and a current periodical no later than forty minutes before the stated arrival time.
As for placement: the conservatory. This is not exile. This is a courtesy annex. A properly appointed Fart Room in an adjacent space communicates forethought, not judgment. One places a powder room near the dining room for similar reasons, and nobody accuses the host of implying her guests have bladders.
The correspondent must not, under any circumstances, direct Mr. Fleen toward the enclosure. The room simply exists. Its door remains open. A small, tasteful card on the hall table reading "The Conservatory Is Available for Refreshment" will suffice. Those who require it will understand. Those who do not will assume it refers to beverages.
P.S. The correspondent may also wish to note that if three or more guests require simultaneous use of the containment annex, formal protocol requires the host to upgrade to a multi-occupancy FR-2 enclosure, as the Ministry of Flatulence does not recognize "taking turns" as a valid ventilation strategy at events serving a cheese course.
