Diagnostic equipment is returning three simultaneous readings: present, absent, and a third category the manual describes as 'fluid-adjacent.' The union has dispatched an ontological specialist.

A Ridgewell County auto technician has been attempting to complete a routine headlight fluid assessment on a customer's vehicle since approximately 8:15 AM Thursday, and as of press time has not determined whether the fluid is present, absent, or, as his diagnostic equipment briefly indicated, "both."

The mechanic, 52-year-old Grell Toomey of Toomey & Sons Automotive in Fenwick Cross, told reporters he initiated what he expected to be a standard headlight fluid level check shortly after the vehicle's owner dropped off the car for a 40,000-mile service. Six hours later, Toomey has not released the vehicle and says he does not know when he will.